Miss Always Invisible

by Marie Digby

There's a girl
Who sits under the bleachers
Just another day eating alone
And though she smiles
There is something just hiding
And she can't find a way to relate
She just goes unnoticed
As the crowd passes by
And she'll pretend to be busy
When inside she just wants to cry
She'll say...

Chorus
Take a little look
At the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder
I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look
At the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer
And maybe then you will see
Why she waits for the day when you'll ask her name

The beginning
In the first weeks of class
She did everything to try and fit in
But the others they couldn't seem
To get past all the things that mismatched on the surface
And she would close her eyes
When they laughed and she fell down the stairs
And the more that they joked
And the more that they screamed
She retreated to where she is now
And she'll sing...

Chorus
Take a little look
At the life of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little harder
I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes
Take another look
At the face of Miss Always Invisible
Look a little closer
And maybe then you will see
Why she waits for the day when you'll ask
Her name

And one day just the same as the last
Just the days spent in counting the time
Came a boy that sat under the bleachers
Just a little bit further behind...

Heroes....

The real heroes in the world don't wear capes..

Wanderings...

I guess it's been a while. The past month has probably been one of the hardest of my life...so many things....so much growing up. I don't even feel like the same person that I was at the end of the summer. I feel so different. At first I was a little lost, but I think I found myself again.

Dad's been getting shots every week and that's been helping to fight the cancer. This week, he started radiation treatment to finish off what might be left over from the tumor.

I don't know if I've just been denying that this whole thing has happened, or just pretending that it is some dream that I'm really not a part of. Or, because of all of the miracles that have happened along the way, I have a hope....I pray it is the latter.

As for me, finals are next week and I am swamped with assignments...all things that I could have done at the beginning of the semester, or at least half-way through, but put them off till the last possible moment. It's alright. I'll push really hard this week and maybe be able to keep my name on the Dean's List. Maybe.

My friend, Kim, was baptized today. I was very humbled that she asked me to speak on the Holy Ghost, and grateful at the same time. It has been a while since I have been able to publicly share my testimony...I was thankful for the opportunity. I was also grateful that she asked me, so that I would be able to share with her the wonderful news that we are never alone, and that God has provided us with a Comforter, to help us in our hard times. He can ease the pain of loss when we grieve and erase the nagging cares of our lives through the peace that he brings. How grateful I am for the unspeakable gift of the Holy Ghost.

1st Grade

Oh how I loved working with the first graders this morning! Mrs. B's class is by far one of the best classes I've seen! She is a marvelous teacher, and her students adore her. The room is covered from head to toe with posters on the weather to posters on writing. Student creations line the walls and desks. Each desk has it's own crayon tray...for the creative minds that sit at it.

I was able to help out 6 or 7 students this morning with their reading. Some struggled and others did very well. At first they seemed a little wary of me, but by the time recess rolled around they were almost begging me to play with them. We went to computer time, and P.E. together and they were showing off as much as possible. One little boy gifted a leaf and stick to me. I will keep it as a trophy of the trust I gained from him.

There was only a few small discipline incidents, all of which came when I was walking with the students to P.E. or during P.E. Someone said something that hurt C.'s feelings, and then S. was hit by a jumprope that hit her during P.E. They were sweet though, and apologized when I told them that it wasn't a very nice thing to do.

Elementary Ed

Week 3 1.5 hrs
Today I was able to work with some more children, I believe that I now have 4 students that I am tutoring. I did a brief introduction of a new book that they will be reading along with (to a recorded version). This should help improve their reading skills because they can hear the words that they don't know. The book is about the Moon, and I had several excited young people when we were done reviewing it.

Ms. B is one of the nicest teachers I've ever met. She has a great way with keeping the class in control. She will count down from 5 to 1 whenever she is needing to get their attention. This is a fantastic way of keeping in control of the class, but not being controlling.

Week 4 1.5 hrs
I just love working with these 5th graders. They are always a delight to listen to, and it is exciting to see them learn so quickly. We went over the next book, all about endangered animals. They were so excited to learn about the kokapoo, an endangered bird who doesn't fly.

It's interesting to note the difference in reading levels in the students that I work with. Some are struggling to read 3rd grade materials, while others can read those same books easily. I'm beginning to see that there is a delicate balance to keeping a class room on the same level, when really, each individual has their own needs, and differs from other students in so many ways.

Week 5 1.5 hrs
Tutoring in reading again. I am beginning to sense that I've been able to give these students over the past few weeks has helped them, they seem to more confident at least when they read. They aren't afraid to ask questions or comment on the reading. I think that they have begun to trust me :D

One of the boys I am working with said something interesting to me today. He said that he wasn't a very good reader, and that he struggled with some of the harder books. When I asked him which book he had been having trouble with he said, quite dejectedly, "The Hobbit". I
almost chuckled, but checked it and let him know that the best way to read The Hobbit was to work up to it, read chapter books first and then keep reading. Eventually he'll be able to do it. I love his ambition though.

Week 6 1.5 hrs
I almost didn't go to the elementary school this morning. I've had a lot to deal with the past couple of weeks and I was just feeling down. But before I went to bed I realized that those students who I have been working with are expecting me to be there to help them. How could I ignore that?

In truth, what I did at the school this morning was nothing spectactular, nothing life changing. But in a way it still was. I was there for those students, to be a stable force in their lives this week.

Week 7 1.5 hrs
Today was presentation day, where each "group" from class presented on the book that they have been reading for the past month. The students were so creative in their projects, I was truly impressed. I saw a lot of great team work going on in the room as they were preparing to present. Some students took charge and helped to organize their presentation, giving each classmate an assignment. Some presented while others held the poster, or in the case of one group, they all presented different parts of the story.

I have learned a lot from my 10 hours in the fifth grade. I now have an idea of how a class room runs, and the different kinds of structure needed to accomplish different tasks.
Presentations

Update

They removed the tumor from my dad's brain last saturday. It's still in the lab being tested, but we know he has cancer elsewhere. Melanoma, thank goodness. And it hasn't progressed beyond the fatty tissues yet. It won't be an easy fix, but it looks like we are going to put up with dad for a little while longer.

I won't mind. That's for sure.

Daddy

Every little girl thinks that her daddy is the best thing the world has to offer. He is her idol. He takes her hiking, teaches her how to ride a bike, and most importantly, kills that "huge" spider in her bedroom. He sings her to sleep at night. She knows that he will go out of his way to do anything for her, including taking a 2-hour detour to see Chimney Rock. As she grows older, he is the man she can always depend on, a lighthouse for the sailor on rough sea. He always takes care of her, which includes chasing off any boys that are interested in his little girl. He watches chic fliks almost every friday night because that's what she wants to do. He's seen Pride and Prejudice at least a dozen times, but hasn't finished his John Wayne series that he got for Christmas. So, she caves in and lets him listen to the local radio station on the drive to school every morning. Even though she is no longer a little girl, she always feels like it with her daddy. He is invincible to her.

My mom just called and let me know that the results for dad's catscans are in.

He has a mass at the top of his spinal cord. The doctor said that it could just be a mass of puss resulting from an infection. But it could also be cancerous.


It's a scary thought for a little girl to realize that her daddy isn't invincible anymore.

Monday

I'm screaming inside. Why does life always seem to fall apart on mondays?

No One

"No One"-Aly & AJ

I am moving through the crowd
Trying to find myself
Feel like a guitar that's never played
Will someone strum away?

[Chorus:]
And I ask myself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me
and I tell myself

No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

You are moving through the crowd
Trying to find yourself
Feelin' like a doll left on a shelf
Will someone take you down?

[Chorus:]
And you ask yourself
Who do I wanna be?
Do I wanna throw away the key?
and invent a whole new me
Gotta tell yourself
No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

Your life plays out on the shadows of the wall
You turn the light on to erase it all
You wonder what it's like to not feel worthless
So open all the blinds and all the curtains

No One, No One
Don't wanna be
No One
But me..

We are moving through the crowd...

Nothing...and yet, Something.

I don't actually feel like blogging today. I can't think of anything funny, or serious, or anything to share....except..

I did get in a car accident last night. I was just driving through an intersection, minding my own business when an SUV/truck (who knows...it was big though) decided to shove over into my lane. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt by saying that he didn't see me there. Well, to this very hour I like to believe that he didn't see me in that lane. Doubtless, he doesn't even have a clue that he left a frightened girl stranded on the side of the road last night. The damage? Two blown out tires, one backache and shin-splints starting to act up again. Oh, and red puffy eyes from crying. All in all, a lot better than a hospital visit any day.

I remember having to make the decision to hit the sidewalk instead of him. It all happened so fast, but I think that I made the best choice. Had he hit me, I probably would have collided with another car stopped at the intersection. Sandwhiched between two impossibly large vehicles, I don't think my little honda could have withstood the pressure....to think that I escaped serious injury by half a second? That is worth celebrating!

After my car hit the sidewalk and I slamed the brakes on, the two of us (Harry....my car and I) came to a stop. My cried out. I was scared. And I knew I was in shock, so I had to be careful. I grabbed my phone (which had been in my hand before impact and was now under my seat and called home. My sister answered the phone. "Is mom there?!" I managed to get out inbetween sobs. I got out of the car and assessed the damage. I was scared to stay in the car in case it got hit by someone. But I was more scared to stay out of the car, mainly because I'm a girl, alone, and it was dark. What I wouldn't have given for a the strong arms of a friend to hold me! But I stayed out of the car, and within 5 minutes or so a mom and dad pulled over and stepped out of their car to see if I was okay. They stayed with me till my parents got there. I can tell you one thing, Angels do exist. And they came in the form of Greg and Debbie Crosby. What a wonder to know that the Lord sent them to me in the exact moment that I needed them. I consider it a tender mercy, and a miracle. I pray that the Lord will always bless them for their compassion and generosity.

Needless to say we got the car towed back to the house.....and we'll be getting new tires in the morning.

But what a day. I'm not sure what I was supposed to learn from that experience, but hopefully I figure it out fast so I don't have to go through it again anytime soon!

I'm not your typical girl....

I will never wear my skirt shorter
So I can catch your eye
I will never fake my own tragedy
And happen to stop by
I will never order what pleases you
When I'm on a date
I will never overly analyze
Every word you say
I won't strategically place myself
Where ever you will be
I won't tell you what you want to hear
That just isn't me!

'Cause I refuse to beYour "typical girl"
There's plenty of her
In this world.
Why should I change myself
Into what you think I should be?
When all you've got to love-Is me.

I work like my fatherFearless of the dirt
My fingers earned their calluses
So keep your manicure!
I don't need constant attention
To edify myself
I don't need diamonds, or jewelry
Or any other wealth
When I ask to leave the room
You don't need to come along.
And when I'm upset with you
I'll tell you what went wrong.

'Cause I refuse to beYour "typical girl"
There's plenty of her In this world.
Why should I change myself
Into what you think I should be?
When all you've got to love-
Is me!

How embarassing!!!!

Alright, so today I decided to take the bike to school because Dad couldn't pick me up after work. I rode it from my math class to the education building, where I had two classes. Then i rode it to the testing center so that I could take my math test. I left it there (because I work there later in the day) and took the shuttle back up to the main campus where I literally ran into my institute class....just a teensy bit late. After that I walked with Ryan to get lunch, ate and then got on the shuttle to get to work. Normal Thursday? That's what you think. I started work...things were going normal, walking around giving tests to people and giving instructions.

Little did I know.

My bike is just a teensy bit junky....alright, it's a heap of junk that was probably super glued 3 decades ago to keep it from falling apart. Well, the bike seat cover has almost completely come off, exposing the black foam underneath to any unsuspecting person...

The story goes on....

Right after I give the last instructions, I walk back up to the front desk. I say something random to Hilary and Mikelle, turn around, and sit down. "What is on your rear-end?!" Hilary exclaimed. "WHAT?!" I looked over my shoulder....I couldn't see what she was talking about. Mikelle: "It's black..it looks like you fell down or something!" I quickly recalled that I had not fallen down at all today. What could it be? Then Hilary asked :"Did you ride a bike today?"

Oh no. The bike. The black foam?

I bursted into laughter. "I rode a bike!!! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Both replied that they hadn't seen it before. But here I had been waltzing around campus all day with this black powdery-dustish stuff on me....

Think that is funny? Just wait, it gets better!!

While I'm trying to help a client, Mandi walks in. The girls are still giggling behind me and she walks up to them and whispers "Is this about her pants?"

Thanks Mandi.

And during all of this Sam is sitting unsuspecting in the lab. Unless he noticed too.....Of course, I'm sure the whole world knows about this now....

My Elementary Ed Field Experience....

Week 1.....1.5 hrs

Today was my first time helping out at the AE elementary school! I loved being around the children, with all of their enthusiasm and energy. True, this energy can get out of hand, as I witnessed a couple of times. But Ms. B. was terrific at bringing chaos into order. She would count outloud from 10 to 1. By the time she got to 1, the class was quiet again! I was so amazed that something that simple would be so effective. That is definitely something I will remember to use while teaching!

I was able to help out with reading literacy this morning. Each of the students would take turns reading 2 paragraphs while their partners scored them on how well they did. One of the students asked me to read and so I did. He sighed as I read everything perfectly...I told him that I had had A LOT of practice and that he could get just as good if he kept practicing! He seemed okay with that idea. I also got to participate with a reader's theatre on Christopher Colombus. It was so enjoyable.

Week 2.....1.5 hrs

Ms. B and I were both running a little bit late this morning, so we didn't get to talk much before the 5th graders showed up. But we had just enough time for her to throw a couple of "word lists" at me and the names of three students who needed some help. I suppose that these word lists are kind of tests, but I tried to make it fun for each of them.

D., my first reader, had a little bit of trouble with "th" words. K. read his list PERFECTLY! He also told me about how he wants to read "The Hobbit" someday. Such a bright little one. Then came B. He did very well on a lot of the words but I'm not sure that he has been taught his phoenetic alphabet very well. He struggled with vowels. He had a hard time pronouncing words, so I had him spell them out. That helped him significantly.

Beethoven

I hate playing Beethoven when I'm not in the mood. It's just so irritating. Don't get me wrong, I love Beethoven-with a passion. But I just wasn't in the mood today and "woodshedding" Beethoven on a decidedly non-Beethoven day is the WORST! The dynamic changes are aich'n provoking and those 32nd notes....atrocious! How can anyone play those??? I haven't even mentioned the dissonances and those minor 7th chords. Beethoven was mad. To expect anyone to play that...it's unbelievable!! Not to mention the string crossings...*sigh*

And yet....

His level of emotion is so amazingly intense! Each time I play a phrase or a movement I feel...I feel pain, anger, joy, frustration or peace. Who he is, and what he was feeling comes out through the music he wrote. Beethoven can never die as long as his music is still played. I die again and again when I listen to his music. That may sound weird, but it's true. I love Beethoven. But, I hate him. It's a great relationship :D

11pm......

Here I am at 11pm. Blogging. Did I say it was 11? Yeah. I should be doing math homework, but I'm not. Instead, I'm here, blogging away. About what? I don't know yet. Maybe it will come if I keep typing and keep procrastinating math.

I said in an earlier post that it's the small, simple things in life that should make us happy. Yet, I can't help but hope and dream for the day when I finally get to wear that perfect white dress, and look into the eyes of a good man and know that he is mine forever. No more playing around, no more guessing, no more, no more. Just to be his and only his. To know. I long for that day more than ever. Yes, I am happy being single. I figure I lead a good life and that I have fun, but to share that fun with someone day in and day out, that seems good to me :D I just have to hang in there I guess. He'll find me eventually, right? But I'm not really looking for him, am I?

I suppose it would be easiest if I just let him ride the white horse up to my front door and sweep me off of my feet. I only think that because maybe I'm tired of going to the balls and trying to win the prince's heart. Those princes. They get it so easy. Announce a ball, then wait for everyone to show up, you have your pick of the ladies, kiss her by mid-night and the deal is sealed! Cinderella had it easy too! She had a fairy god-mother to take care of her. Ever thought about what the normal girls had to go through to get to the ball? And the Prince never even noticed them.

Hahah! Not that it is important to me anyways, but still. If I wasn't headed out on a mission maybe I'd be looking to hire a fairy god-mother.

From bad to worse to so much better

I've been so stressed this week that I really haven't had much time to take care of myself or even think about what I need....Various outside sources have been pulling from me, to the point where my inner resevoir is almost completely empty. I should know better and I shouldn't let things get to me so much, but I do.

I had a really rough night, between math, a friend, and my family. Then I woke up this morning and things just seemed to get worse. I finally got to school and I couldn't understand anything that my math professor was saying....I took a math quiz online and scored a 70%. Then I went to my next class and the Human Development teacher had to go on and on about Sigmund Freud's theories....needless to say it was not exactly what I wanted to be lectured on for an hour. Then, came my Ethics and Values class. Which was probably the worst way EVER to end my school day with. Abortion, cannabalism, you name it. I could not run fast enough to get out of there!

Finally, lunch came and I met up with a friend of mine, Jazon. He and I were counselors at EFY together over the summer. We just sat in the school courtyard enjoying the cool mist from a waterfall and talked about the Gospel. And within a matter of minutes, my day went from bad to worse to so much better. It's amazing how different you feel when you finally get your focus back to the things that are important.

____________________________________________________________

I want to publically apologize to those who are closest to me, who have seen me behave at my worst, who have forgiven me for all my mistakes and who have put up with me. To them I owe so much, yet give so little. Life is too short to quarrel though! Can you forgive me? I have not behaved the best nor have I chosen to be respectful when I should have. I am not going to excuse myself, because what I did was not right. But you do need to understand that things are a little different now. I am different from the person that you knew before. More independent, more able to handle a larger load. Sometimes I bend under that load. I am sorry that I have not been strong enough to do it on my own yet. I'm going to try though so that this doesn't happen again.

Just Breathe

Classes got out and I walked across the street to the library. The sun was so warm and inviting that I sat myself on a cement wall and just breathed. I closed my eyes and felt the wind play with my hair and caress my cheek. I listened to the sounds all around me-the whirrr of a bicycle and a shuffling as a tired student walked past me. The wind carried pieces of a distant conversation to me and rather than try and determine what was being said I simply listened to what I could hear, delighting in my sense of hearing. I listened as if I had never listened before. And I discovered that the world is more of an amazing place to be in when I just take the time to experience it.

We spend too much of life in a hurry, too much of it trying to get somewhere we are not. What would happen if we took time to enjoy where we are at and less time worrying about where we have to be. Stop thinking that you'll be happier when you gradaute from college, stop thinking

...We spend too much of life in a hurry, too much of it trying to get somewhere we are not...

that you will be happier when you are married, when you've bought your own house, when you get the big raise. Be happy now, and you won't have to worry about being "happier" later. Life can be a beautiful experience if you let it be!

As I sat on our University shuttle today I was a little bit disturbed to overhear someone say, "I'm never getting married! Marriage is over-rated anyways!" I was just curious to know why that person thought that way. What is over-rated about it? Perhaps it is the idea that finding that special person to share the rest of our lives means that we will always be happy and never have any trouble. I think that maybe this ties back into what I was just saying. Happiness isn't immediately aquired when something significant happens in your life. Happiness is all about your attitude. For example, you can be born, live and die happy in a squatter village in Peru, without anything "significant" happening. Or You could be miserable. Your attitude determines EVERYTHING! Choose to be happy now my friends, and you are choosing to be happy for the rest of your lives.

School and such

Wowie! These past 3 weeks of school have been a serious SLAP in the face. I don't think I was quite ready to come back. In fact, I know I wasn't ready. However, I have learned in life that new things are usually the hardest during the first few weeks, then you seem to get the hang of it. At least, that's what I've always thought.

So,last night. I was at work till 8pm, and while I was there I was studying somewhat frantically for a math test I was supposed to take afterwards. I was so discouraged. And I went into the testing center discouraged and nervous, tired and hungry. Probably not the ideal circumstances to take a test in. The only thing of any comfort was the talk I had with a good friend beforehand. Good friends are just so hard to find these days.....Anyways. So I went in and took my test. It was hard and I just felt lost. And, if it is even possible, I walked out into the dark night even more discouraged than before.

It was cold and most of the street lamps were off as I trudged back back. But I hardly felt it. I was too emotionally worn out to even care. I called my dad and cried on the phone to him. I debated about dropping the math class. It would be easier to just quit, wouldn't it? And that's what I was going to do.

I drove home in the dark and returned a phone call to another good friend, whose timing couldn't have been more perfect! We had a wonderful talk and I felt my spirits lift just a little bit. But when I hung up and walked in my house, my little sister was there and asked how my day went. Being the woman that I am, the tears started to come again. She got me calmed down and eventually left my room. In the stillness I decided to go to the source of all comfort.....my knees.

Never mind what was said, but when I was finished and I opened my scriptures, I received an answer. Peace flooded through me and although I still know that this semester is going to be difficult to get through, I know that with the Lord on my side I can do anything!

Testing.....

Alright, so this is my soap box of the day.....I just have to get this out!

In New York , there is a new testing program being established for Kindergartners. 65 Principals have already expressed interest in incorporating into their school systems. These tests would be approximately 60-90 minutes in length...written. Kindergatners are currently only tested in literacy, and those are 20-30 minute one on one exams with a teacher. Of course, pupils grades will not be effected by these tests. They are purely for assessment. Those involved say that testers would not have feelings of stress, anxiety or evaluation. Yeah right.

Why in the history of the world would a 5 year old need to take a 90 minutes assessment test??? What is the purpose? Maybe it's just me, but I don't even know a 5 year old who can concentrate on a coloring book for more than 10 minutes, let alone a math problem. Besides, do kindergartners even learn math? All I can remember from kindergarten is that I was told to color in the lines.

Yes, testing has its purposes. But for 5 year olds? Come on! We are turning our children in mechanical beings, robots that can perform and be measured. But what do we do with the ones that cannot perform to our expectations? Do we simply throw them out?

Whatever happened to coloring in kindergarten? To playing on the playground, drinking juice and eating goldfish crackers?

Whatever happened to just letting kids be kids?

Football in August!

I love live football games! I love the families that wait in line for 2 hours before the gates open. And when the gate does open, I love the sound of the very first ticket scan-a pleasant chirp signaling the start of a new season. I love the smell of the concession stands-hot dogs, pretzels, popcorn and roasted almonds. But more than that, I love the deafening sound of the crowd when the home team scores, or the equally deafening silence when the favorite player goes down with an injury. The sunshine on the field and the blue sky overhead...the perfect day. The sea of blue and white, the band, the drumline, even the heat wasn't enough to ruin this day.

Our stadium holds about 65,000 people. 65,000 people left their air conditioning to come sweat on the bleachers as they cheered their team on! I can't help but think that each of those 65,000 people have individual lives...each are different, each have their own likes and dislikes. I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes that makes me feel so insignificant....so small. 1 in 65,000. How can I ever be found?

Just the beginning....

When I was younger I had an dream of what my life would be like when I grew up. But, the more I grow-up, the more I realize that that dream is not happening. Sometimes I wonder what went wrong. But most of the time, I wonder how all of it went so right.

I suppose I was just being silly. I imagined my whole life out, only putting in the big moments, graduating from high school, going to college, marriage, raising a family etc. I never thought that, however important those big moments are, it's the little moments that I've fallen in love with.

Life is just so beautiful. Today I laid down on the soft grass under a tree and just stared into its sunshine touched leaves and the deep blue sky behind them. And I just breathed. All around me, the world just stopped. I stopped with it and took time to realize that no matter what life throws at you, you're still alive! You're still alive and there is a whole world worth enjoying out there.

As I look back on my life, I see hundreds of small incidents that have shaped me into who I am right now. Some of those were not the most pleasant experiences either! My life has not been all sunshine and roses. Some of it I've spent slogging through a swamp! But I would never want to change a thing. Those swamps and roses have brought me where I am now, and I am happy here!!